Listen, horniness is a huge part of romance, and social norms means we don’t talk about that nearly enough.
Well, not here at Mashable. We’re spending the week talking about all-things-horny in honor of Valentine’s Day, which got me thinking: Sure, Valentine’s seems like it’s the horniest holiday… but is it really?
My controversial and brave opinion is as follows: No.
Naturally, this led to carefully ranking the horniness of 20 holidays (1 being the most horny, 20 being the least).
1. Fourth of July
Fireworks. Bathing suits. Beaches. More fireworks. Casual beers. Summer heat and summer skin. Parties. Double entendre voice: Even more fireworks.
2. New Year’s Eve
Everyone’s drunk on booze. Everyone’s drunk on the promise of the New Year. Everyone’s looking for someone to kiss. That’s horny, folks.
3. Thanksgiving Eve
For the college-aged crowd, this might just be the horniest day of the year. All the Youths go home and hit the bars — looking for the high school crush that never panned out.
4. Valentine’s Day
I get that it’s corporation-mandated horniness but alas, Valentine’s Day remains horny.
5. Labor Day
It’s the end of summer, bathing suits, etc. Everyone is trying to take the season out with a bang. Bonus points that it’s a long weekend, which makes people just a little more likely to get wild.
Something just comes out of people when they’re dressed as someone or something else.
7. St. Patrick’s Day
St. Paddy’s is in the top 10 simply because people get absolutely blotto and lose all ability to control their horniest impulses.
8. Christmas Day
Have you even listened to Christmas songs? Like a good one-third of them are horny as hell for Santa.
9. Memorial Day
Pretty much the same as Labor Day but it’s not quite as warm yet and you’re probably kinda cold at the beach.
11. Christmas Eve
You’re probably not working, which is a plus for horniness. It’s a nice time of the year. (Plus.) But you’re likely with family. (Minus.) And you’re likely pretty full from a nice meal. (Minus.)
12. New Year’s Day
Being too hungover to even think about bumping uglies is a real, real feeling that many suffer through on NYD.
13. Black Friday
I mean, I guess shopping for deals could be horny? I don’t know? Capitalism?
14. National Chicken Wing Day
This is a big holiday for me. I love wings. Like, I’m legit a regular at Buffalo Wild Wings. But, sadly, wings aren’t really a horny food because there’s just no way to look good eating them.
15. Groundhog Day
I don’t know. This just feels like the right spot for Groundhog Day.
16. Pi Day
Math ain’t horny, pal.
17. Flag Day
You just know that a certain kind of person out there — someone who unironically sings Proud to Be an American and really belts the line “Cause the flag still stands for freedom” — that’s getting all horned up for Flag Day.
18. Star Wars Day
See: Flag Day but for a smaller subset of people.
19. President’s Day
Get your presidents OUT OF MY FACE, that is NOT horny.
Everyone is gross. Everyone is too full. Nobody is feeling it and, besides, the post-gluttony nap is better than sex.